Facebook and Cancer

As I'm writing this, I am again very tired, so forgive any stupid errors, and I apologize in advance if you can't  understand a single word I write.  This post is about my stream of consciousness, so if you are reading, bring a boat a couple of oars and ride it.

I got on facebook by accident, when a long time friend of the family invited me to be a facebook "friend".  It turns out SHE joined facebook to ride herd on her daughter.  

Initially I thought I would just use FB as a tool to keep up with her, but as I started adding information about myself to my profile, faces from my past started popping up, and I had this uncontrollable urge to reach out.  I really didn't know why, and I wasn't expecting any takers.

Since getting cancer, I have tried to live in the here and now and not get nostalgic--or re-hash old regrets about the past.  I also have tried really hard not to worry about my future, but of course I do.

So why did I make connections with old classmates and colleagues, some of whom may not give a shit about what I've been doing--or even remember me? Especially with respect to my classmates, I didn't exactly make a big impression. I just kind of drifted my way through high school.

Getting in touch with former classmates and colleagues was partly an act of narcissism.  By connecting, I assumed someone wanted to connect with me, because I'm special. Just ask me.

But I also wanted to connect with them.  I have memories of these people that often bubble to the surface of my damaged head.  When one has a life-threatening illness like I do, one takes stock of the people in his or her life--good and bad.

The positive piece about getting re-acquainted with these faces from my past is that I can do so without the baggage of school or the workplace. And the lack of direct contact ironically makes it easier to be myself.

When I chat with a former classmate, it's refreshing to find out that I'm not the only one getting older, struggling with the day-to-day business of family, hobbies,  or work. And when I chat with a former co-worker, we are equals,  just people trying to ride the roller coaster of life and maintain balance.

I only wish we knew that back in the day. I'm not sure we did.