Thursday, February 12, 2009


I think I have mentioned in previous posts how my biggest fear about death is not having anything to show for the life I had. This thought struck me again tonight after I quit  classical guitar lessons.

I quit for several "reasons". One is that I suck (see the post Handel vs. Buck Dharma).  
Two is I've actually been busy doing mommy stuff. My son has tutoring the nights I have guitar lessons, and I run errands during the day, so it's hard to squeeze in a practice.

My teacher said something as I was leaving our last lesson together, though.  He said, "I'm sure that there are things that you are good at that others wish they could do."

If there are, I can't name them. I've always been content to be middle of the road, almost invisible; always a follower, not a leader.

But not anymore.  I refuse to go out of this world without having made some kind of positive mark on society.   That's why I volunteer. That's why I blog.  That's why I'm still alive.  

I'm 42, but it's never too late. I may have the Great American Novel in me. Or I may get my "Mom of the Year" award.  Or, I may get a role as a body double for Angelena Jolie. It could happen.

I'll settle for not being mediocre anymore.


Anonymous said...

Eden, you have a positive influence on your family and friends. Your volunteer work affects people. You may never be famous, but the people who knew you will remember you with a smile.

Yukon said...

Ede's. I can relate to this feeling on many levels. Though clearly I am not going through what you are going through. I often feel frustrated that I haven't made more of a "mark" or that I have no apparent "talents." (especially in a family full of artists, writers, singers, sewers, you name it!). I will say though, that there is always another view. My whole life I have seen you are a gifted, creative person. You taught YOURSELF the piano and guitar and were quite good at both in our youth. I think if you "suck" now (as you say, though I don't believe it) it is because you no longer have the luxury of single-minded focused you had in our youth when all we had to worry about was school. Though you'll never get me to say school and all the weirdness that accompanies that stage of life does not have it's own burdens. In any case, you are, and will always be, my amazingly gifted cousin. The weirdest part about both you and one of my siblings in particular is that you are both extraordinarily smart, gifted and talented -- and neither of you can see it. If I had some of your gifts, girlfriend, I'd feel VERY LUCKY indeed. It's all in your perspective. Re: what you have done in your life? Plenty! Nothing for the world in these particular memories, but on a personal note, my favorite will always be the "man on the street" interviews, nightly games of war, "candid" photos, and, of course, Wenison Baldald -- who shall live in infamy. You have given me, personally, some of my happiest childhood memories. As they say on the MC commercials -- PRICELESS -- JUST LIKE YOU!