Anyway, the wife of one of the brain tumor survivors there used the term "monkey mind" to describe herself. I had never heard the term, but I loved it, so I came home and Googled it. Here is how Wikipedia defines it:
Mind monkey or Monkey mind, from Chinese xinyuan and Sino-Japanese shin'en 心猿 [lit. "heart-/mind-monkey"], is a Buddhist term meaning "unsettled; restless; capricious; whimsical; fanciful; inconstant; confused; indecisive; uncontrollable". In addition to Buddhist writings, including Chan or Zen,Consciousness-only, Pure Land, and Shingon, this "mind-monkey" psychological metaphor was adopted in Daoism, Neo-Confucianism, poetry, drama, and literature. "Mind-monkey" occurs in two reversible four-character idioms with yima or iba 意馬 [lit. "thought-/will-horse"], most frequently used in Chinesexinyuanyima 心猿意馬 and Japanese ibashin'en 意馬心猿. The "Monkey King" Sun Wukong in the Journey to the West personifies the mind-monkey.
Let's see "unsettled"--that's me... "restless" --check..."uncontrollable"--I've won the trifecta!
Granted I've had these characteristics since birth ( maybe I've had my tumor since then). I was my mom's little girl who never slept and would only eat toast. And I can still hear her cursing"goddammit Eden" when I jumped naked into a fountain at the mall, just because I was hot, even though I couldn't swim.
Everyone was hoping that getting rid of the tumor would tame my monkey mind. Just the opposite happened. All those traits became more pronounced. Danger Will Robinson!
As much as I like the premise of Eastern philosophy, controlled breathing didn't work for me. I take that back, It would, until I had to concentrate on something else.
So I take my "I don't care" pills. At first I felt guilty about taking them, but now I realize I want to enjoy what life I have left, and not completely alienate my family. Also since I'm missing a huge chunk of my brain, in theory the drugs are supposed to provide the serotonin my brain evidently doesn't.
I think I'll go meditate now. On second thought, I'll go to the mall and jump naked into the fountain. Viva chaos!