Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Facebook and Cancer

As I'm writing this, I am again very tired, so forgive any stupid errors, and I apologize in advance if you can't  understand a single word I write.  This post is about my stream of consciousness, so if you are reading, bring a boat a couple of oars and ride it.

I got on facebook by accident, when a long time friend of the family invited me to be a facebook "friend".  It turns out SHE joined facebook to ride herd on her daughter.  

Initially I thought I would just use FB as a tool to keep up with her, but as I started adding information about myself to my profile, faces from my past started popping up, and I had this uncontrollable urge to reach out.  I really didn't know why, and I wasn't expecting any takers.

Since getting cancer, I have tried to live in the here and now and not get nostalgic--or re-hash old regrets about the past.  I also have tried really hard not to worry about my future, but of course I do.

So why did I make connections with old classmates and colleagues, some of whom may not give a shit about what I've been doing--or even remember me? Especially with respect to my classmates, I didn't exactly make a big impression. I just kind of drifted my way through high school.

Getting in touch with former classmates and colleagues was partly an act of narcissism.  By connecting, I assumed someone wanted to connect with me, because I'm special. Just ask me.

But I also wanted to connect with them.  I have memories of these people that often bubble to the surface of my damaged head.  When one has a life-threatening illness like I do, one takes stock of the people in his or her life--good and bad.

The positive piece about getting re-acquainted with these faces from my past is that I can do so without the baggage of school or the workplace. And the lack of direct contact ironically makes it easier to be myself.

When I chat with a former classmate, it's refreshing to find out that I'm not the only one getting older, struggling with the day-to-day business of family, hobbies,  or work. And when I chat with a former co-worker, we are equals,  just people trying to ride the roller coaster of life and maintain balance.

I only wish we knew that back in the day. I'm not sure we did.

1 comment:

Yukon said...

Ede's, how's this going for you? Are you really connecting with former classmates?? Like who? Email me, I can think of two you might -- S and C -- but I'd be interested. Ironically, I'm the opposite. No desire to reconnect with anyone I have "lost touch" with. I keep in touch with the two people from school I care about, other than that, I'm happy to let that all go. Weird, as they were friends, and nice people. Sure they are fine now and chatting would be fine, but no desire. You and Tina are the same in that way -- always have been. Me? I'm always the weird one in things like this!!!