Tuesday, June 28, 2011

My first name's not honey...it's Eden...Mrs. Jones if you're nasty.

At 44, some people still call me "sweetheart" or "honey". Example: I went to get my teeth cleaned, and the hygienist kept addressing me as if I were one of her younger patients. I started complaining to my mother about this and she (my mom) suggested that I shouldn't take this as a dis.

But since when is a 44 year old woman a sweetheart or a honey. I mean, it's one thing for someone who knows me well to call me that, but it feels different when someone I see only casually calls me that. And I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I believe my child size stature plays a role when someone addresses me in the diminutive.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

That's the way I always heard it should be.

After 17 years of marriage, I have learned a few things about "love".

One does not get or give more love when one is married.

You can be married with children and still be lonely.

Having someone ask you to marry him does not mean you have "arrived" in some cosmic way.

Intimacy is frankly sometimes based on obligation, and not on some kind of inner fire.

So what is a good marriage? I don't know, but I no longer believe in fairy tales. I will use whatever power I have to make my marriage better. Problem is I don't have much power.

Friday, June 17, 2011

some thoughts on the artificial woman

A while back, I posted a series that I called The Artificial Woman. It was because I started thinking of how much of what nature should have given me, I have had to supplement.

I now need hearing aids to hear.

Due to a missing chromosome, I cannot bear children, and until recently was taking hormone replacements to "grow". Didn't work; although, I have big boobs, but again, they aren't real because I would not have any boobs without the hormones.

I can joke about these things, but I still don't always like it when others do. I can't have myself remade.

I'm surprised how "normal" of a life I've had for being so abnormal.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

happy birthday tumors!

In honor of living five years with brain cancer, I threw myself a party, invited friends and family, and drank a margarita as big as my head. I was touched by the turnout.

In this photo in the back, are me and Bruce, in the front are my my friends LaRae and Carrie and their spouses, Larry and Pat. My friend Mark Cook (whose wife passed away from breast cancer) graced us with his presence, as did his girlfriend Janna, and their kids.

I was very sad my friend and classmate Paula could not make it, but I recorded some messages and texted them to her later.

This past Friday, Paula began chemo. With my husband's permission, I took a cab to be with her and her husband brought me home. She's looking great!

Sunday, June 5, 2011

What is love?

I'm thinking that since I am 44 and have been married for almost 17 years, I had better get to answering that question, but I don't know what love is. In attempt to figure it out though, I will list what love is NOT:
  • love is not a computer game.
  • love is not just sex.
  • love is not a pretty face.
  • love doesn't go away.
I should know more. I have a husband, and have had men say they love me, but it seems to come with the caveat that I don't take them seriously or love them back.

All I know is right now, I am feeling an emotional void, despite the fact I should be perfectly happy. Hmmmm?