Grace

Depending on who you talk to, I'm either handling my terminal illness with a positive attitude and humor, or am becoming so bitter and angry that no one will want to be my caregiver when I really need one. As in--wipe my bottom--need one.

The thing is, as much as I would like to, I can't make myself feel better about my illness, let alone someone else. My perspective is that of a patient, not a caregiver. Every day I do the best I can to work with what brain power I still have left, and compensate for what I don't have.

I have had a tendency since before my illness, and certainly now, to go negative and think about the things that suck, but especially since I am dying, such thinking is counterproductive. So from here on end I will try to adapt an attitude of I DON'T CARE...as in:

• I'm not jealous of someone who seems better off than I am
• I don't care that someone called me fat and ugly 25 years ago
• I don't care what someone else thinks of me
• I don't care that my career was short
• I don't really care that I'm dying but I would like to control the timing of my passing

In other words, I am going to try to kick my shit to the curb. I don't want to take it with me.

I hope I am successful in this endeavor.