For this I would like to apologize to my mother. Yes, my mother. In my self-pity and self-consciousness, it doesn't occur to me that my self-flagellation might hurt her too. She reads my blog (Hi Mom).
Another person on my mind this Mother's Day is my son's (birth)mother. Sometimes it's hard to find an appropriate card. And although Austin has talked to his birthmother by phone, over the years we've gone through periods where she is hard to reach. Some years he has sent her gifts, and other times nothing at all. We let him decide.
He really wants to see her, and we have made that possible for him by having an open adoption agreement with her. But so far it hasn't happened, because right now her life is in flux. I will be nervous when they do meet.
I was seriously hoping I would be a better parent. But it's not like babysitting or playing with baby dolls, nor is it even like spending time with friends and their kids. It's hard work that doesn't stop when the child gets out of diapers. It's about making critical decisions regarding when, and if, to let the child make his/her own mistakes, and picking just the right consequence(s) to mete out for bad choices.
But my adopted son had no control over who his parents are, any more, or any less, than another child. I am the parent I am, not necessarily the parent my son wants.
As a parent, it is easy to irrationally worry that a bad parenting decision will result in a child turning into a criminal, and conversely, erroneously believe a good parenting decision will automatically turn a child into the next president.
The good news and bad news is my son is human too. I can guide him, but I will not be his only influence, and thus, will not be the sole foundation for the decisions he makes.
But I hope I'm a big one.