A Shaved Paradise

They shaved paradise... and drew in a parking lot

around a mole and a scar, and a radiation hot spot.

Don't it always seem to go

That you don't know what you've got till it's gone

They shaved paradise, and drew in a parking lot.

They've taken all the Eden's, put in an Eden museum

And charge all the people 13 dollars just to see them

Don't it always seem to go

That you don't know what you've got till it's gone.

They shaved paradise, and drew in a parking lot.....

Late last night, they declared me insane

And a Big Yellow Taxi took away my brain.

Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got till it's gone

They shaved paradise, and drew in a parking lot.

Like sands through the hourglass...I'm running out

I'm running out of new material to write about. There are only so many ways I can say cancer sucks. Basicsally, loss is the biggest suck factor: Loss of hair, loss of rights and privileges, loss of respect and self-confidence. Unless and until some of those things come back, we'll just consider these facts as read:

I know I have losses

I am mourning those losses

I don't particularly like being reminded of those losses.

I'll be back later.

updates

cancer: I got a clean f scan today...my first one post-radiation. Sometimes radiation scarring can look like another tumor. Next scan will be in January. Meantime, I will talk to a neurologist about possibly driving again.

Reasons against driving:

• Seizure risk
• sense of direction
• reaction time
• hearing and vision

Reasons for driving:

• I'm on seizure meds, and I haven't had a seizure since 2006
• I wear hearing aids and glasses
• I make short trips and my car has a navigation system
• husband won't be here to drive me places

employment: Husband starts new job on Monday. I'm pleased he has a job, but I hope he doesn't tune out the problems that remain. He's going to have to learn how to wake up in the morning, and play WOW only when not at work. This will be interesting.

two things

The first thing is: Husband got a job. Great news! He was starting to lose confidence. One less thing to worry about as I continue to try to slow my cancer. I go in for a scan tomorrow, and I will need chemo until the cancer kills me, or until chemo makes me too sick to take it.

Which brings me to my next item. My cousin and I were having a discussion about why I'm so obsessed with being normal and why I don't think I'm normal. I have been asked this question many times, sometimes by "normal" people. It's a fair question and I will do my best to answer:

• It is human nature to compare and contrast, but when I do that, I don't measure up. I shouldn't compare myself to others, but it seems the only way not to, is to hide in a shell.
• When one has a medical condition, and those without that medical condition are referred to as "normal", it can be difficult to understand what normal is. I want normal without qualifiers, not "You look good (for a person with cancer)," or "I can't do that, and I don't have a brain tumor!"

I do hope to someday be comfortable in my own skin, but I've been waiting 43 years for that to happen, and I'm still not there.

My god's better than your god.

This seems to be the rhetoric of late. A lot of fuss was made about a cultural center going up near Ground Zero where buildings collapsed on 9-11-01 after planes crashed into them.

"Can't 'those people' put it somewhere else?"

" I don't want 'those people' spitting on the graves of those who died!"

Meantime a Florida pastor called for burning the Muslim holy book, then called it off, called it back on. Thankfully 9-11 passed with no holy book burnings.

Here's my take: The zealots who flew planes into building are crazy and so is the Florida Pastor.

So, if I want to believe in a higher power, where should I go? Can I be a Christian and NOT hate Muslims, or think homosexuals just need therapy? The answer seems to be no. I fail to understand why anyone who believes in any god, wouldn't allow their neighbor worship in his or her own way.

forgiving but not forgetting.

Oh how I wish I could forget: The guys who pretended to want to go out with me, and thought it would be funny to make me think I had a chance with them. If people only knew the collateral damage words can cause. I try to rise above what people may have done to me when they were young and stupid, but I can't forget, and I'm still waiting for an apology

venting

To those who think you have problems--

You may have problems, but I bet you wouldn't want to be me. I've been rendered stupid and ugly by my stupid illness. So I get a little sensitive when I hear people complain about bad hair days, how the iPhone doesn't work right, or obnoxious people on the tram. I have flippin cancer! It's work every day just to NOT think about death. And don't compare me to you. You are nothing like me, and your life will always seem perfect compared to mine, unless you want to trade.