I just finished reading John Irving’s The Cider House Rules. In the book, one of the main characters, Wilbur Larch, speaks about being “of use”. It got me to thinking if, or how, I am of use. Unemployed with a brain tumor, I currently do not feel of use. I’m not sure I was of use, before I was diagnosed. I am trying to find new ways to be of use, specifically being a good wife, daughter, mother and friend.
I fail sometimes on the mother front, I can’t and shouldn’t drive, so I can’t pick my son up after school, take him to doctor appointments, and I sleep a lot, especially when I am on chemotherapy.
I fail on other fronts for the same reasons, I can’t help a friend, or visit my lonely father, without someone driving me. And it is to my husband’s credit, that he accepts a wife with a disability, though I don’t think I can ever ask him to be more of a caregiver than he already is, and I am not the person he married.
Maybe I felt of use when I was working. I worked long hours, and eagerly helped co-workers. Even if I can’t boast about the quality of my work back then, I had a strong work ethic.
When one is of use, one is not always aware of being of use. It is always good to strive to be useful.
As for me, I do the best I can.