Saturday, July 3, 2010

more on hope and cancer

I hesitate to admit this, because hope is necessary for coping with disaster, but I have to say, I have lost mine.

I'm pretty sure it happened when I was told I needed surgery again.That was a huge wake-up call for me: Hi Eden, It's your tumor calling...I'm back, and I regret to report that your previous attempt to ignore me failed.

Yes it did...big time...and I'm having a hard time believing that this latest attempt to fight it will be any more successful. In fact, the fact the tumor returned is a signal that resistance is futile.

I will undergo more chemo, perhaps for a lifetime...and radiation. My surgeon comforted me by telling me that this "new" tumor is more agressive than the old one, and that we need to start treatment sooner rather than later, so the thing does not paralyze me. So I'll do that, until surgery is required again. The surgeons say I can have as many awake craniotomies as I want.
I never wanted any.
I honestly don't know what to do...I'm getting tired.


Holly said...

Keep your chin up, Eden. You are a strong woman and have a lot in life to fight for.

TinaE said...

I hate hearing that you seem to be giving up. I think of you often & wish only great things for you. If you want to call me, let me know. We can even get together. Hang in there!
Seriously caring,

Pat Rogers said...

The only way is forward Eden. I just wish that I could take the struggle away from you. x