This Just In: Cancer is hard on a marriage.

There.  I said it. And I was reminded of this fact today, as I internally blamed my husband for things he can't control.

Today was MRI day.  I get them every three months now. I actually wasn't nervous about the test itself.  And I won't know if I've dodged another bullet for another week.  Instead what I felt was lonely--and dizzy. Lonely-okay.  Dizzy--not so much. My husband does not normally go with me to my doctor appointments, as he is a working man, and I am physically able to take myself. 

But after being in a loud chamber for about 45 minutes, I felt a little disoriented, yet I had things to do.  I could only take so much time to get my bearings before getting back in my car and doing errands.

In a perfect world he would take me to my doctor appointments, but again, he's the working man, and in these hard times, he has other obligations.

Nevertheless, after hauling myself, my son and his friend hither and yon, and throwing together dinner, my husband said to me, "I had a shitty day today." I said sarcastically something like, "Well then, it's a good thing I don't have cancer."

"Life must go on," he retorted.

And that's just it.  From my view, he acts like he doesn't think I have cancer anymore. And to some extent he's right. We aren't in crisis mode.  Life should go on and it is. 

 However, I still have cancer, and all of the worry, chaos and uncertainty that go with it.  I was reminded of that today as I went into the cancer world for my MRI.

 I am very happy to live life, but I find it difficult to live it as I used to, or how others think I should live it. Some days just aren't that easy to handle. Daily tasks that others may take for granted as easy, I find frustrating. Like driving, for example, which I did a lot of today.

I will consider myself "cancer free" when a doctor says so, and/or when I don't need MRI's or other treatment.  

I don't see that day coming soon, but I'm also not quite dead yet. I'm perhaps the luckiest cancer survivor walking.

However, I still haven't decided whether the glass is half-empty or half-full.

Leaving Crumbs Much Too Small For The Other Who's Mouses.

I don't get it. In my little family of three, it seems no one wants to take responsibility for eating the last morsel of something--be it chips, peanut butter, or fruit.

We have the infamous bag, sack or carton that appears to be full, or at least not empty. The result: I don't put said item(s) on my grocery list, only to come home and find out that I should have bought it, as evidenced by the big bag of small potato chip crumbs, or the shampoo bottle with just a drop in it.

Post-its  and white boards are my salvation. I try to make notes to myself, every time I have a thought,  and place them where I can see them. I'll write notes to my son right on the fridge whiteboard to remind him of his homework.

 Still this is not enough. I must constantly triple check, re-iterate, and forget things to the point where I feel like the mythical person who was condemned to pushing a rock up a mountain, only to have it roll back down, just as it was nearing the summit.

Was I that bad?

This is your brain on Eden.

I'm not sure what to blog about today.  A lot has been on my mind including the following:

My friend who has a grade 4 tumor;

My son, who got a good report card, but who answers every question I pose to him by mewing like a cat;

My MRI coming up on Tuesday; 

Getting laundry done; and

The notion of  trying to find a (paying) job, brain tumor and all, just in case?

When my mind has too many things on it, I tend to respond by doing none of them, as I am overwhelmed on some level. 

So today's a good day to read a book, while I do laundry, and think, and think, and think, and mew like a cat back at my son.

Village at Scholls Ferry update: A salon AND a census office have now signed leases for space there, but as of this writing have not moved in.  An interested citizen named "Ralph" commented in a previous post that he is hoping the "village" will boost his property value.

To be continued.......

How Many Edens Does It Take to Make Dinner

Just one, but you better give her all day. Today brought another attack of my adult ADD, which by the way, isn't helped by getting brain cancer.

As I prepared to make dinner (I began it in the a.m. so it could cook in a crock pot) I had to decide what to do first: clean the already dirty kitchen, defrost chicken, cut vegetables or prepare sauce.

So I called my mother, as I was cleaning the kitchen.  

I said, "Hi mom, I'm multi-tasking."

And as I talked to her, I wondered aloud what it was that made me call her at that particular time.  That's the good and bad part about having a brain injury--no impulse control. I have been known to call people while I'm frying an egg, too.

Then I said goodbye, and finally I focused. While the chicken defrosted I finished cleaning the kitchen, unloading the clean dishes one dish at a time, and loading dirty ones the same way.

Again. Why? Why is it so hard for me to be efficient? And the thing is I'm "with it" enough to know that I'm not "with it".  I guess this should be comforting, but instead it's frustrating.

I miss my brain, such as it was.

Sprite's smells

I'm starting to lose track of time, but I think our kitten Sprite is about five months old. Despite how young and cute she is though, she can emit smells even a cow can't produce. Truly my mind boggles.

I never watched the show "Friends" but I saw Monty Python's Eric Idle once say how much he liked the "Smelly Cat" bit with the Lisa Kudrow character and Chrissie Hynde (The Pretenders). 

Here's one version of the song, done 80s video style.

Here's another, kind of done Pretenders style, but set to funny pictures of cats.

Ever since we adopted Sprite, I've been singing the song out loud, sometimes to her. It's also reminded me of a scene in the "Kentucky Fried Movie" that parodies an old cat litter commercial.  I found the clip from the movie but I can't link to it, as it was taken off You Tube pending a copyright dispute.  But the parody went something like this:   A woman prepares for her friends to come over.  As she opens the door, each makes a comment about the smell in the house:

Fried fish for dinner again?

Harry still smoking cigars?

Christ! Did a cow shit in here!

I think it would actually smell better if we had a cow in the house. Love Sprite. There is nothing like the unconditional love (and smell) of a pet.

A Good Weekend

Updating the previous post--I haven't been out for a walk since I blogged about the trash.  I worked on Friday, and today brought true-to-form, bona-fide Oregon rain. However, I noticed as I was driving by my walk route that there was a group cleaning up the trash today, perhaps boy scouts, or middle school students 

After work yesterday (I volunteer at a local hospital), I met up with a former classmate for a beer or two--two to be exact. I reconnected with her through Facebook.  As I've mentioned before,  Facebook has been an interesting experiment. I feel like I can be myself in a way that I couldn't back in the day.

Today first thing, we witnessed our son "level up" in Taekwondo. He is now a brown-stripe belt, well on the way to a black belt.

The belt test is tough. The students (most of them kids) have to spend about two hours, demonstrating their forms, one-step sparring and self-defense techniques. Then they wrap up by breaking boards with their bare hands or feet.

After the belt testing, a ceremony was held, at which students could say a couple of words.  My son raised his hand and said:

"I'd like to thank my mom for helping me to do my best, and helping me with my homework, and getting me treats, even when I don't need them."

The instructor (Master Park) then asked if he had any words to say about his dad.

My son sounded like he was about to tear up as he said, "I'd like to thank my dad for giving me shelter, and playing with me when I'm lonely, and tucking me in at night."

We are so proud of our son for the commitment, focus (not to mention skill) that he has for his sport.  He can do anything he puts his mind to.

What I Found On My Walk

We've had some relatively warm days, so I've been walking for my workout--about three miles all told.

Lately going on my walk has been like doing a beach or dump site cleanup.  I've seen the usual suspect trash, such as empty beer or soda cans, cigarette butts, dog poop, and broken glass.

But nothing compares to what I saw yesterday--a pair of underwear. I was afraid to inspect them, but I think they were ladies' panties.  I saw them again today on my morning constitutional.

My mind boggles thinking about how and why they got left behind, as it were.

I may take pictures of all the items I find and post them next time.